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15 November 2010 @ 04:10 pm
Bodily subject  
Okay. This is the stupidest creepy thing that has ever happened to me. It happened about 1 AM on Saturday.

I'm lying in bed next to Derek, reading (on my brand new Kindle!), pretty normal for me--I'm a night owl and all.

The apartment is completely silent. All the neighbors are asleep, my husband is completely passed out, nothing is happening, everything is normal.

Abruptly, with no warning, from the other side of the room, from the darkness of my closet, I hear...

...a fart.

I put down my Kindle and think, "What the fuck. What the fuck did I just hear. I don't keep a whoopee cushion in there. What the hell. Do I just ignore it? Ignore the fart? Do I go look in there?"

And then my brain starts creating scenarios. It sounded organic! It was a fart! Everyone knows that sound! All I have over there is clothing! And pillows! A fart?!

And I'm envisioning headlines. "Couple finds home invader because of fart." "Gas smells of doom for burglar." All I really know for certain is that if I get killed by someone who farted in my room, I will have to hope there is no afterlife, because how do you get over that shame.

So I poke Derek and say, "Er, ah, um, you're gonna think I'm crazy, uhhh, but... I heard... er, I heard a fart. Over there." And I wave my hand in that direction. All the while keeping an eye on it just in case, you know, the mystery intruder is listening to me explain how I heard his flatulence.

Derek blinks at me and blinks at me and squints at me and says, "Muh."

I explain further how I am not, in fact, crazy, and he said later that he thought it was ridiculous, but then also started to think, "Well, what if there IS something?" so we get up and I get him a flashlight and he looks in the depths of the closet. And we find nothing. Nothing.

Current Mood: ditzyditzy
(no longer) twentysomething: tv: kitten professorkribistibin on November 16th, 2010 01:05 am (UTC)
This is the best thing I've ever read. I'm four years old, so I started laughing at the first use of the word "fart."
Clarafeathered on November 16th, 2010 04:13 am (UTC)
Hahaha I can sooo see myself doing this.

Maybe you have a flatulent ghost?
AngharadTy: all your brainsladytalon on November 16th, 2010 07:47 am (UTC)
At least ghost farts don't smell!
auburbiamere on November 18th, 2010 07:17 am (UTC)
Your dad says maybe a refrigerator? I say must be the spirit of the evil farter who haunted him on that one plane ride!
AngharadTy: girl with the silver eyesladytalon on November 18th, 2010 07:18 am (UTC)
I don't really keep a fridge in my closet.
vishanavishana on November 19th, 2010 02:57 am (UTC)
why not?
AngharadTy: nemesis with barbieladytalon on November 19th, 2010 03:03 am (UTC)
Too hard to get back there, all those blankets in the way.... ;)
mokiemokie on January 25th, 2011 09:41 pm (UTC)
Some wearable vinyl/plastics can sound very farty when they're rubbed against each other. I know this because I've been publicly embarrassed by a pair of boots before.

(I swear, it was the boots.)